Caliborn's Stories 5: The Stanley Parable
by ASBusinessMagnet
Summary: The Stanley Parable and The Beginner's Guide, as summarized by the Homestuck character Caliborn. Rated T for language and violence.
1. THE FREEDOM ENDING

_Author's idiotisms: This one will forever go down in the history of Caliborn's Stories as the first Caliborn's Story for which I actually bought the original work._ And we're not even into the double digits yet.

* * *

><p>I PROMISE. I'LL DO ANOTHER. OF THE ORIGINAL HOMOSUCK MALE'S MOVIES. SOON ENOUGH. BUT BEFORE THAT. I HAVE STUMBLED UPON THIS. AND I UNDERSTAND NOTHING. AND THEREFORE I STRIVE. TO UNDERSTAND IF NOT EVERYTHING. THEN AT LEAST SOMETHING. AND DECIDE. IF I HATE IT. OR LOVE IT. (THE LATTER COULD NEVER CONCEIVABLY HAPPEN THOUGH. GIVEN MY INHERITED BIOLOGY. AS A MALEVOLENT CHERUB.)<p>

CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS.

THE STANLEY PARABLE.

FOR THIS ONE. THERE WILL ONCE AGAIN BE A BACKSTORY. BUT NOT AN IN-STORY BACKSTORY. AN IN-STORY BACKSTORY EXISTS TOO. BUT IT'S BASICALLY THIS.

THERE WAS A HUMAN MALE ADULT NAMED STANLEY. WHO WAS AN EMPLOYEE. OF A LARGE NON-DESCRIPT COMPANY. TO BE PRECISE. HE WAS EMPLOYEE 427. AND ALL HIS JOB CONSISTED OF. WAS SITTING BY A COMPUTER. TAKING ORDERS FROM THE COMPUTER. LIKE WHICH KEY TO PRESS. AND HOW LONG TO PRESS IT. UNTIL ONE DAY. THE COMPUTER DECIDED. "YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU." AND DIDN'T GIVE HIM AN ORDER. NOT ONE. AND FOR AN ENCORE. ALL OTHER EMPLOYEES. OF THE STANLEY MALE'S COMPANY. GOING FROM 001 TO 426. AND THEN FROM 428 TO 600. (I EXCLUDED 427. BECAUSE THAT'S THE STANLEY MALE. DON'T YOU SEE?) HAD VANISHED. AND THE STANLEY MALE. DID NOT TAKE WELL TO IT. THIS HUMAN THING. CALLED DECISION MAKING.

THE END. (IS NEVER THE END. IS NEVER THE END. ETC.)

OKAY. NOW THAT WE GOT THAT BACKSTORY OUT. HERE'S THE MORE IMPORTANT BACKSTORY. THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STANLEY MALE. OR HIS COMPANY. WHICH IS PROBABLY. JUST ANOTHER PART OF THIS DEEPLY CORRUPTED AMERICAN DREAM. INSTEAD. THIS BACKSTORY HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH ME. AND THE GAME.

I LEARNED ABOUT THIS GAME. THE WAY I LEARNED ABOUT THE OTHER TWO FEATURES OF CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS. THAT WERE VIDEO GAMES. (PORTAL AND HALF-LIFE. FOR A REFRESHER.) THROUGH LET'S PLAYS. BUT UPON WATCHING THE LET'S PLAYS. I IMMEDIATELY DISCOVERED TWO MAJOR REASONS. WHY I WON'T BE DOING THE SAME WITH THIS GAME.

ONE. THERE WERE MULTIPLE PATHS. AND EACH LET'S PLAY. ENDED UP DOING IT DIFFERENTLY. SO I GOT ENDLESSLY CONFUSED. I HEAR. THERE ARE EIGHTEEN ENDINGS?

AND TWO. THE GAME IS NOT AT ALL HARD. I MEAN. IT'S JUST WALKING AROUND. I CAN DO THIS. I CAN ARM THE COMPUTER MOUSE. FOR LOOKING AROUND. AND FIVE KEYS OF THE KEYBOARD. W, A, S AND D FOR WALKING. AND E FOR EMPLOYING APPARATA. AND USE THEM. TO MANIPULATE THE STANLEY MALE. IT'S NOT AT ALL COMPLICATED. SO I GOT THE GAME. AND BEGAN MY OWN. "STANLEY ADVENTURE." SO TO CALL IT.

IT'S A STORY. ABOUT A STORY. THE STORY OF ME. TRYING TO UNEARTH ALL EIGHTEEN ENDINGS. ABOUT THE STORY OF THE STANLEY MALE. STRUGGLING WITH THE DECISION MAKING. YOU'LL FIND. THAT THIS ARTISTIC DECISION IS VERY CREATIVE. AND GIVE ME ADDITIONAL KUDOS.

YOU STARE IN AWE. AS WORDS THAT ARE ON THE SCREEN. AND THAT YOU READ. FINALLY ARRANGE THEMSELVES. TO CREATE A MASTERPIECE. NOT THAT MY OTHER RETELLINGS AND ORIGINAL ENDINGS OF HUMAN STORIES WEREN'T MASTERPIECES. YOU PONDER THAT THOUGHT FOR A WHILE. AND WHILE YOU PONDER THAT THOUGHT. MENTALLY JUDGING MY CONTRIBUTION TO THE HUMAN FICTION. I DECIDE TO FUCK IT. AND GO ON WITH THE STORY.

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO. LET'S BEGIN THIS BITCH.

THE GAME SAYS. THAT THE STANLEY MALE. WONDERED WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON. WITH THE STORY. BUT IMMEDIATELY DECIDED. TO TAKE THE BORING PATH. AND ASSUME. THAT ALL THE EMPLOYEES. HAD GONE TO A MEETING. SO HE WENT TO THE MEETING. BY TAKING THE DOOR TO THE LEFT.

NOW I SEE. THAT THE LET'S PLAYS. HAVE DECIDED TO FUCK WITH THE GAME AND THE STANLEY MALE AT THE SAME TIME. AND HAVE HIM GO RIGHT. TO THE EMPLOYEES' LOUNGE. BUT I THINK. THAT IS OUT OF CHARACTER. AND NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. FOR ONE MAJOR REASON.

STANLEY IS A DUMB SHIT.

ALL HIS JOB. WAS TAKING ORDERS FROM THE COMPUTER. AND HE WAS FUCKING HAPPY. SO IT ONLY MAKES SENSE. ONCE THE COMPUTER. HAS BEEN REPLACED WITH A MORE CRUEL BOSS. THE GAME. (AND QUITE POSSIBLY ME. BUT I WILL CONSIDER SELF-INDULGENCE LATER.) THAT STANLEY WOULD NOT CHANGE HIS STRATEGY. AND DO EXACTLY AS THE GAME SAYS.

ANYWAY. SO STANLEY TOOK THE DOOR TO THE FUCKING LEFT. AND NOT RIGHT. BECAUSE HE LISTENS TO COMMANDS PERFECTLY. AND WENT TO THE MEETING ROOM. ONLY TO DISCOVER. THERE WASN'T A SINGLE HUMAN HERE EITHER. SO HE WENT FURTHER. TO THE OFFICE OF HIS ORIGINAL BOSS. THE COMPUTER.

HE PASSED A STAIRCASE. WHERE HE WENT UP. TO THE COMPUTER'S OFFICE. BUT ONCE AGAIN. NO HUMANS WERE THERE. OKAY. STANLEY THOUGHT. MY BOSS IS A COMPUTER. SO OBVIOUSLY NO HUMANS SHOULD RUN THE PLACE.

BUT THEN HE NOTICED SOMETHING ELSE. A KEYPAD. AND THE GAME HAD TOLD HIM. THE SECRET NUMBER TO THE KEYPAD. (THIS STORY LIKES NUMBERS.) 2845. SO I TYPED THE NUMBER. ACTING ON BEHALF OF STANLEY. AND TYPED THE CODE. WHICH OPENED A SECRET PASSAGE WAY. SO STANLEY CARRIED ON. AND TOOK AN ELEVATOR.

AND AT THIS LOADING SEQUENCE. I BEGAN TO THINK. WHOSE SIDE I AM ON. THE GAME'S. OR STANLEY'S. AND DECIDED THAT I NEEDED TO ESTABLISH THE RELATIONSHIPS. BETWEEN THREE PEOPLE. ME. THE GAME. AND STANLEY.

NOW. THE DIRK HUMAN ONCE TOLD ME. THAT IF YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW MANY RELATIONSHIPS PEOPLE HAVE. YOU TAKE THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE SQUARED. SUBTRACT THE ORIGINAL NUMBER. (TO ENSURE NO SELF MOLESTATION.) AND DIVIDE BY TWO. (TO AVOID DUPLICATES.) SO FOR THIS EXAMPLE. WE HAVE THREE PEOPLE. THREE SQUARED IS NINE. MINUS THREE IS SIX. AND DIVIDED BY TWO IS THREE. SO THREE RELATIONSHIPS.

ALRIGHT. LET'S BEGIN WITH ME AND THE GAME. I PLAY THE GAME. AND I LIKE THE GAME. FOR ITS LACK OF DIFFICULTY. IT HAS ONLY ONE PROBLEM. IT KEEPS SPEAKING WORDS TO ME. WHICH I SUBSEQUENTLY HAVE TO PARSE. AND TRANSCRIBE TO YOU. ADDING MY OWN COMMENTS.

THEN COME ME AND STANLEY. I CONTROL STANLEY. ARMED WITH MY MOUSE AND KEYBOARD. AND HE IS AT COMPLETE COMMAND OF ME. THEREFORE. ANYTHING HE DOES. I DO. AND HE IS IDENTICAL TO ME. SO HE IS ALSO LIKABLE.

AND FINALLY. THE THIRD PAIRING IS. THE GAME AND STANLEY. THE GAME IS STANLEY'S NEW BOSS. AND TELLS STANLEY'S STORY. WHILE STANLEY. AT COMPLETE COMMAND OF ME. SUBMITS TO WHATEVER THE GAME IS SAYING. AND THE TWO. ARE LOCKED IN THE STORY.

ALRIGHT. THE GAME HAS LOADED. LET'S CONTINUE.

STANLEY CONTINUED. HIS NEW TOUR OF SELF-AWARENESS. BY HEADING INTO. THE "MIND CONTROL FACILITY." AND PRESSED THE LIGHTBULB BUTTON. WHICH TURNED ON THE LIGHTS. REVEALING A GREAT LOBBY. FILLED WITH COMPUTER SCREENS.

ON ANOTHER PLATFORM. ON THE MIND CONTROL FACILITY. ANOTHER BUTTON WAS A CAMERA. AND SURELY ENOUGH. IT TURNED ON A WHOLE BUNCH OF CAMERAS. WHICH DISPLAYED STANLEY'S COLLEAGUES. OR RATHER. THEIR ROOMS. ALL EMPTY.

AND THEN. ON ANOTHER PLATFORM. THE BUTTON DEPICTED A HUMAN IN A BOX. GOING UP. (THOUGH I ADMIT. THAT THE FIGURE COULD ALSO BE A CHERUB. I'M PRETTY SURE THIS IS A HUMAN STORY THOUGH. AND STANLEY IS A HUMAN.) SO STANLEY PRESSED IT. AND DURING THAT. HE CAME TO A REALIZATION.

HE WASN'T GODDAMN HAPPY. THE MIND CONTROL FACILITY MADE HIM HAPPY. THAT'S THE TASK OF A MIND CONTROL FACILITY. TO CONTROL MINDS. HE FOUND THE REALIZATION QUITE. "MIND" BLOWING. HAHA. I AM THE MASTER OF LITERATURE. BEWARE ME. HAHAHAHAHAHA. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

OKAY. BACK TO THE STORY. STANLEY REFUSED TO BELIEVE. AND HAVE HIS MIND BLOWN. SO HE CARRIED ON. AND ENDED UP IN ANOTHER ROOM. FULL OF COLORFUL BUTTONS. AND IN ANOTHER ROOM. CALLED "FACILITY POWER."

THIS IS IT. STANLEY THOUGHT. AND SHUT OFF FACILITY POWER. EFFECTIVELY KILLING HIS COMPUTER BOSS. AND HE FOUND HIMSELF IN A DARK PLACE.

AND THEN. THE GIANT DOOR OPENED. REVEALING FREEDOM. AND STANLEY REFLECTED. THAT DURING HIS LIFE. HE WILL BE MAKING DECISIONS ON HIS OWN. YEAH. SURE. AS LONG AS THE GAME SHUTS UP.

AND THUS. THE GAME ENDED. WITH THE WORDS. "STANLEY WAS HAPPY." THUS REVEALING. ONE OF THE EIGHTEEN ENDINGS. WHICH REQUIRES ME. TO BRING UP OUR GOOD OLD FRIEND. THE TALLY. REMEMBER FROM HOMOSUCK? "GREEN TORSOS. DEAD." AND FROM THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY. "DUMB CHILDREN. OUT." THUS. THE TALLY RISES AGAIN.

_1/18 GAME ENDINGS. DONE._

NOW ONLY TO FIND. WHAT THIS ENDING IS CALLED. BECAUSE APPARENTLY. ALL EIGHTEEN ENDINGS HAVE NAMES.

ALRIGHT. IT SEEMS. THAT I HAVE ACHIEVED. "THE FREEDOM ENDING." OR. "THE LIFE ENDING." THEY'RE ONE AND THE SAME. SO STAY TUNED NEXT. FOR ME TRYING TO FIND. THE OTHER SEVENTEEN ENDINGS.

CHEERS. BITCHES AND ASSHOLES.

tumut


	2. THE OTHER ENDINGS

ALRIGHT. I'M BACK. HASTA LA VISTA MOTHERFUCKERS. IT'S TIME FOR.

THE STANLEY PARABLE.

AGAIN.

ONCE I COMPLETED THE GAME. OR AT LEAST ONE OF ITS ENDINGS. I THOUGHT REALLY LONG ABOUT IT. AND CAME TO THE CONCLUSION. THAT THE OTHER SEVENTEEN ENDINGS. COME FROM THE FACT THAT I MADE CONSCIOUS DECISIONS. WHICH WEREN'T REALLY DECISIONS. BUT RATHER ME. FOLLOWING WHATEVER THE GAME SAYS.

THESE ARE. IN ORDER.

A) STANLEY ACTUALLY WALKING OUT OF HIS OFFICE. INSTEAD OF SHUTTING HIMSELF IN.

B) STANLEY TAKING THE DOOR TO THE LEFT. RATHER THAN THE RIGHT.

C) STANLEY TAKING THE STAIRCASE UP. RATHER THAN DOWN.

D) STANLEY GOING TO THE MIND CONTROL FACILITY. RATHER THAN THE ALTERNATE PASSAGEWAY. CALLED "ESCAPE."

AND E) STANLEY PUSHING THE BUTTON CALLED "OFF". RATHER THAN "ON."

AND PROBABLY SOME MORE. THAT I MISSED. DUE TO NOT THINKING LONG ENOUGH.

EACH OF THEM. LEADS TO NEW PATHS. AND THE OTHER SEVENTEEN ENDINGS. THEREFORE. I WILL COVER EACH OF THESE. BUT I HAVE SEVENTEEN ENDINGS. AND MILLIONS OF OTHER STORIES. WAITING IN LINE. WHILE I MOLEST "THE STANLEY PARABLE." SO I'D BETTER GET IN A HURRY.

NOW OF COURSE. YOU'LL COMPLAIN. YOU'LL STATE THAT I STATED. THAT THAT MAKES STANLEY OUT OF CHARACTER. BUT YOU SEE. THE LOGIC WHICH LED TO THAT. CAN BE TWISTED. BY A SIMPLE MATTER OF TRUST. WHY WOULD STANLEY TRUST THE GAME? ONLY THE COMPUTER PAYS HIM MONEY. TO PUSH THOSE BUTTONS. BUT THE GAME. IS COMPLETELY IMPARTIAL TO STANLEY. HE JUST TELLS STUFF. THAT IRRITATES ME. AND SINCE I AM FORCED TO IMMERSE MYSELF. UNDER THE IDENTITY OF STANLEY. WHY ON EARTH. WOULD STANLEY LISTEN TO THE GAME.

AND TO SLOWLY CORRECT STANLEY'S CHARACTER. TO BE TWISTED INTO EACH OF THE SEVENTEEN ENDINGS. I WILL BE TAKING THIS LIST FROM THE END.

OH. AND I HEAR. THAT ONE OF THESE ENDINGS. TAKES FOUR HOURS TO COMPLETE. BUT THE PROBLEM IS. I DON'T HAVE FOUR HOURS. I INSTEAD HAVE BILLIONS OF WORKS OF FICTION. THAT ARE STILL AWAITING COMMENTARY. SO LET'S DO THIS REAL FAST.

E) TAKING THE BUTTON CALLED "ON". TURNS ON THE NUCLEAR BOMB COUNTER. OF TWO MINUTES. FROM WHICH. THERE IS NO APPARENT ESCAPE.

_2/18 GAME ENDINGS. DONE._

D) TAKING THE PASSAGEWAY CALLED "ESCAPE". LEADS TO A PLACE. WHERE STANLEY AWAITS HIS DEATH. WHEN THE DEATH MACHINE GRINDS TO A HALT. AND THE ORIGINAL GAME IS INTERRUPTED. BY A BITCH VERSION OF THE GAME. WHO DROPS STANLEY. TO A MUSEUM. DEDICATED TO HIS GAME.

EVENTUALLY. STANLEY COMES TO A ROOM. LABELED ONLY "THE STANLEY PARABLE." IN WHICH YOU TURN A SWITCH OFF. AND THE SCENE STARTS AGAIN. AND IT GOES ON. AGAIN. EXCEPT THIS TIME. STANLEY ACTUALLY DIES.

_3/18 GAME ENDINGS. DONE._

C) IF YOU TAKE THE STAIRCASE DOWN. IT LEADS YOU TO A ROOM. THAT KEEPS REPEATING ITSELF. MAKING STANLEY REFLECT. THAT MAYBE THIS IS ALL A DREAM. AND CONTROLLING THINGS. LIKE IT WAS A DREAM. BUT THEN REALIZING. IT WASN'T A DREAM. AND STANLEY IS ACTUALLY INSANE. AND THUS. THE NEXT SCENE. IS STANLEY LAYING DOWN. AS A HUMAN BITCH NAMED MARIELLA. STARES AT HIM. BUT WALKS AWAY. "HERE LIES STANLEY. HE WAS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT."

_4/18 GAME ENDINGS. DONE._

B) TAKING THE DOOR TO THE RIGHT. OPENS AN ENTIRE NEW CAN OF WORMS. SO LET ME SUBDIVIDE IT AGAIN. LOOKING AT THE AWESOME FLOWCHART. THAT I MADE. FROM THINKING FOR SO LONG. AND DEFINITELY NOT FROM LOOKING UP A GUIDE. THAT WOULD BE CHEATING. AND AS YOU'LL SEE. THE GAME TAKES CHEATING BADLY.

B.1) IF YOU GO TO THE MAINTENANCE ROOM. AND THEN TO THE ELEVATOR. IT OPENS YOU. TO THE ROOM OF MONITORS. WE'VE TALKED ABOUT BEFORE. BUT THEN THE GAME. DECIDES TO RESTART.

THIS TIME. A FEW DETAILS ARE DIFFERENT. THE ROOM WITH TWO DOORS. NOW HAS MANY MORE DOORS. SO STANLEY IS HELPLESSLY LOST. AND THE GAME STARTS AGAIN.

THE THIRD TIME. THE ROOM WITH TWO DOORS. HAS NO DOORS. SO STANLEY BACKS UP. ONLY TO FIND. THAT HIS OFFICE. IS NOT THERE ANYMORE. AND SOMEHOW. ENDS UP IN AN ENTIRE DIFFERENT BUILDING ENTIRELY. SO THERE'S ANOTHER RESTART.

THIS TIME. THE GAME WHIPS UP. SOMETHING TO KEEP ITSELF ON TRACK. "THE STANLEY PARABLE ADVENTURE LINE." WHICH STANLEY FOLLOWS. ONLY TO CROSS IT AGAIN. AND END UP. IN THE MONITOR ROOM AGAIN. WHILE THE GAME. FILLS THE SPACE WITH TALKING. AND MUSIC. OH GOD THAT SONG. SOMEONE SHOOT IT OUT OF MY HEAD. NOW.

THE FIFTH TIME. THE GAME IGNORES THE LINE. AND LETS YOU GO ON ANOTHER ADVENTURE. WHICH EVENTUALLY LEADS TO ANOTHER ROOM WITH TWO DOORS. BUT THE JOKE IS. THAT THE TWO DOORS. OPEN TO THE SAME ROOM. WHERE. A SCHEDULE OF JUICY EVENTS IS REVEALED. I HAVE NEVER SEEN THESE EVENTS. BUT THEY ARE CONVENIENTLY SUMMARIZED. SO HERE THEY GO.

THE GAME RESTARTS AGAIN.

THE SIXTH TIME. STANLEY IS COMPLETELY IMMOBILE. SO THE GAME RESTARTS.

THE SEVENTH TIME. THE LINE GETS INTO PLAY AGAIN. AND LEADS TO AN OFFICE. THAT IS EXACTLY THE SAME. BUT TORN DOWN. AND A STORY. IS BEGINNING TO BE MADE. BUT IT CAN'T BE MADE. SO THE GAME RESTARTS.

THE EIGHTH TIME. THE OFFICE HAS GONE. AND STANLEY WANDERS IN THE DARKNESS. WHEN HE FINDS A BOOKSTORE. GETS BORED. AND LEAVES. AND THE GAME RESTARTS.

AND THE NINTH AND FINAL TIME. THE VOICE HAS GONE. OH. IF ONLY THE VOICE COULD ACTUALLY BE GONE. AND AFTER A LONG TIME. STANLEY DIES. SO THAT'S THAT. FOR THE "CONFUSION ENDING."

_5/18 GAME ENDINGS. DONE._

B.2) IF YOU PROCEED FORWARD A CORRIDOR. THE STORY BRANCHES AGAIN. SO LET ME JUST BRANCH IT.

B.2.I) IF YOU CONVENIENTLY GO ALONG A CATWALK. YOU WILL FIND A PHONE. AND YOU CAN EITHER ANSWER IT. OR UNPLUG IT. SO THE STORY BRANCHES AGAIN. (GOD. I AM RUNNING OUT OF WRITING SYSTEMS. SOMEONE HELP.)

B.2.I.α) IF YOU ANSWER THE PHONE. IT LEADS YOU TO YOUR OWN ROOM. BUT TURNS OUT. YOUR HUMAN MATE. IS A PLASTIC BITCH. AND THERE WAS NO GAME. IT'S ALL WORK. AS THE GAME BECOMES MORE AND MORE TERRIFYING.

_6/18 GAME ENDINGS. DONE._

B.2.I.β) IF YOU UNPLUG THE PHONE. THE GAME JUST BEGINS TO BE A COMPLETE MESS. WHICH EVENTUALLY BRANCHES *AGAIN.* HOLY FUCKING SHIT. WHAT AM I GOING TO LABEL THE ENDINGS NOW?

SIGH. WELL. I USED THE USUAL LETTERS. THE USUAL NUMBERS. THE ROMAN NUMBERS. AND THE GREEK ALPHABET. SO LET'S TRY. USING THE WORDS FOR NUMBERS.

B.2.I.β.ONE) YOU GO TO A ROOM WITH THE TWO DOORS. AND GO TO THE LEFT. THE GAME GOES AS IT'S "SUPPOSED TO BE." UNTIL THE BOSS'S ROOM. WHERE INSTEAD OF A KEYPAD. THERE'S A VOICE RECEIVER. AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED NOT TO DO ANYTHING. UNTIL THE GAME JUST GOES OUTSIDE THE GAME. AND THE CREDITS ROLL.

B.2.I.β.TWO) YOU GO TO A ROOM WITH THE TWO DOORS. AND GO TO THE RIGHT. THE PATHWAY IS BLOCKED. AND YOU GO TO THE LEFT. AND THE PATH IS BLOCKED AGAIN. AND AS THE GAME RAMBLES. SERIOUSLY. IT SHUTS ITSELF DOWN. BUT IT CAN'T SHUT ITSELF DOWN. SO IT JUST RAMBLES ENDLESSLY.

BUT YOU SEE. THE TALLY OF EIGHTEEN CONSIDERS THESE TWO ENDINGS AS ONE. THUS IT IS.

_7/18 GAME ENDINGS. DONE._

NOW BACK... BACK... HA. FOUND IT.

B.2. II) IF YOU JUMP OFF. TO THE CARGO ROOM. YOU FACE YOUR APPARENT SUICIDE. _(Author's idiotisms: At least once I can feel the relief of not having to type "sewiside".) _

_8/18 GAME ENDINGS. DONE._

B.2. III) HOWEVER. IF YOU MAKE IT ONTO ANOTHER CATWALK. THE GAME WANTS YOU TO DEMONSTRATE. THE IMPORTANCE OF FOLLOWING THE RIGHT CHOICES. SO HE BRINGS UP. THE CHOICE. YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE RED DOOR. IN A SET OF TWO DOORS. RED AND BLUE. BUT YOU CAN CHOOSE AGAIN.

B.2. III.α) IF YOU TAKE THE RED DOOR. THE GAME IS FINALLY RELIEVED. BUT STILL UNSATISFIED. AND THUS LEADS YOU. TO THE EARTHLY NIGHT SKY. BUT THEN. YOU HAVE TO KILL YOURSELF. GETTING THE GAME DEPRESSED. AND THUS. YOU SUCCESSFULLY KILL YOURSELF.

_9/18 GAME ENDINGS. DONE._

B.2. III.β) IF YOU INSTEAD TAKE THE BLUE DOOR. IT LEADS YOU. TO WHAT LOOKS LIKE AN UNFINISHED PART OF THE GAME. WHERE THE GAME JUDGES YOU. FOR BEING THE WORST AT IT. EVEN WORSE. THAN A DEAD RAT. SO THE GAME SHOWS YOU. ANOTHER GAME. WHICH IS ABOUT. GETTING A BABY OUT OF FIRE.

NOW I HEAR. THAT THIS IS THE GAME. THAT TAKES FOUR DAYS. LISTEN. THAT'S WHY I DECIDED TO GO ABOUT IT THE REALLY REALLY FAST WAY. I STILL HAVE THOSE TRILLIONS OF STORIES.

ALRIGHT. SO THE STORY BRANCHES HERE. AGAIN. HOLY SHIT. THE STRUCTURE OF THIS. IS WORSE THAN THE STRUCTURE OF HOMOSUCK.

B.2. III.β.ONE) IF YOU ACTUALLY HAVE THE FOUR YEARS. TO COMPLETE THE GAME. IT LEADS YOU. TO A BLACK AND WHITE ROOM WITH WORDS. AND THE BLACK BOX BLOCKS OUT SOME OF THE WORDS. SO IT'S AS HORSESHIT. AS HOMOSUCK WAS. TRULY AN AMAZING ACHIEVEMENT.

SIDENOTE HERE. AS A REVIEWER. I AM LUCKY TO HAVE TAKEN ON HOMOSUCK FIRST. SEEING AS IT WAS THE BIGGEST PILE OF SHIT EVER. BUT THIS GAME. "THE STANLEY PARABLE." SEEMS TO BE A CONFIDENT SECOND.

_10/18 GAME ENDINGS. DONE._

B.2. III.β.TWO) IF YOU DON'T HAVE FOUR CENTURIES. AND LOSE THE GAME. INSTEAD. THE GAME TAKES YOU TO ANOTHER GAME. THIS ONE IS REALLY BLOCKY. AND THE GAME BUILDS A HOUSE MADE OUT OF DIRT. BUT WANTS ONE OUT OF DIAMOND. SO IT GOES ON MINING. AND REALIZES THE GAME IS TERRIBLE. BUT THEN IT LEADS YOU TO...

OH HELL NO.

OH HEEEEEEEEEEELL NO.

IT'S THE PORTAL SERIES AGAIN!

THE GAME IS VERY CLEARLY ONTO ME. TAUNTING ME WITH MEMORIES. OF A GAME I NEVER PLAYED. BUT APPARENTLY HAVE TO PLAY ANYWAY.

ALRIGHT. TIME OUT HERE. IT'S TIME FOR. HALF-LIFE THREE AND A HALF. THE STANLEY DEBACLE.

STANLEY WENT. AND FOUND HIMSELF. IN THE SHUT DOWN PORTAL LABORATORY. BUT THEN. GORDON FREEMAN KILLED HIM. THE END. (COME ON. FASTER, ME.)

ANYWAY. SO STANLEY GOES THROUGH ONE OF PORTAL 1'S TEST CHAMBERS. BUT THE GAME AT THIS POINT ENDS ITSELF. AND YOU'RE FOREVER IN THE UNFINISHED AREA OF THE GAME.

_11/18 GAME ENDINGS. DONE._

WE'RE MORE THAN HALFWAY IN. SO IT'S REALLY AWESOME. THE QUADRILLIONS OF STORIES. HAVE CREATED A RIOT. OUTSIDE MY STATION. SO IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT. THAT I HURRY UP.

LET'S SEE... BACK THE TREE... BACK... BACK... HERE.

A) ONCE HE STARTS OUT. STANLEY CAN DO MANY THINGS.

A.1) HE CAN SHUT HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM. AND WAIT. FOR AGES. TO WAIT FOR THE ORDER FROM HIS COMPUTER BOSS. SO IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. SO THE GAME ENDS.

_12/18 GAME ENDINGS. DONE._

A.2) HE CAN JUMP OUT ONE OF THE WINDOWS. LEADING THE GAME TO COMMENT. ON HOW THIS IS NOT A GLITCH. AND ASK. IF YOU'RE TIRED OF THIS BULLSHIT. WELL, I AM. SO LET'S GO TO THAT ENDING.

A.2.I) IF YOU ARE TIRED OF THIS SHIT. YOU ARE SUBJECTED TO A SONG. UM. THAT IS ACTUALLY MORE OF THIS HORSESHIT.

_13/18 GAME ENDINGS. DONE._

A.2. II) IF YOU ARE NOT TIRED OF THIS SHIT. YOU GET MORE SHIT.

_14/18 GAME ENDINGS. DONE._

A.3) ON RARE OCCASIONS. YOU WILL BE LED TO A BLUE OFFICE. WHICH LEADS. TO "THE WHITEBOARD ENDING." WHICH REALLY ISN'T AN ENDING. BUT HELL. IT'S CALLED AN ENDING. SO LET'S ASSUME IT'S AN ENDING.

_15/18 GAME ENDINGS. DONE._

A.4) IF YOU DO A COMPLEX SEQUENCE OF EVENTS. SHUTTING OFF COMPUTERS. YOU ARE LED. TO HEAVEN. WHICH IS ONCE AGAIN. ALL ABOUT BUTTON PRESSING.

_16/18 GAME ENDINGS. DONE._

AND FINALLY. THERE ARE TWO. WHICH REQUIRE THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX ENTIRELY.

IF YOU TRY TO TURN ON. THE BUILT-IN CHEATS. THE GAME REFUSES TO. AND SUBJECTS YOU. TO WHAT IS REALLY SERIOUS. AND ENTAILS ONE HUNDRED BILLION TRILLION YEARS OF PUNISHMENT. LOOK. I'M TRYING TO DO THIS REALLY FAST. SO PLEASE STOP.

_17/18 GAME ENDINGS. DONE._

AND FINALLY. TYPICALLY. DOORS CLOSE BEHIND YOU. BUT IN THE BOSS'S OFFICE. IF YOU GET REAL SLICK. YOU CAN AVERT THIS FATE. AND GET TO AN ESCAPE POD.

_18/18 GAME ENDINGS. DONE._

UGH. FINALLY. NOW I CAN DEFINITELY SAY. THAT THE STORY OF ME. RETELLING ALL THE ENDINGS. HAS FINALLY COME TO.

THE END.

ALRIGHT. CON AIR AWAITS ME. SO I GOT TO GET MOVING. BITCHES AND ASSHOLES.

tumut


	3. THE BEGINNER'S GUIDE

SO. HOMOSUCK IS APPARENTLY ENDING, RIGHT? SO I MIGHT ACTUALLY BE DEAD SOON. LIKE. ALL OF MY VERSIONS. CANON AND NOT. WHAT IS THE TECHNICAL TERM? AH, YES. "COMPLETE AND UTTER ANNIHILATION OF IDENTITY. PROACTIVE AND RETROACTIVE." THAT IS, PAST AND FUTURE.

IT MIGHT NOT BE THIS WAY. I'M NOT SURE. BUT JUST IN CASE I AM. WHY DON'T WE HAVE ONE LAST STORY FROM CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS?

SADLY. THIS ONE DOESN'T HAVE A CATEGORY. SO I'M JUST GROUPING IT WITH THE OTHER POSTMODERN SHIT. BECAUSE THEIR CREATORS ARE RELATED.

CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS.

THE BEGINNER'S GUIDE.

WE ARE INTRODUCED BY THE CREATOR OF THE OTHER POSTMODERN SHIT. WHO MAKES SURE THAT HIS FAME IS RECOGNIZED. MUCH LIKE I DO. BEFORE MY END. AND WE ARE TOLD OF A FRIEND OF THE CREATOR. NAMED "CODA". WHO ALSO MADE POSTMODERN GAMES. AND THEY ARE PRESENTED IN THE ORDER OF THEIR MAKING. HERE WE GO.

FIRST. WE HAVE A "MAP" FOR SOMETHING. THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A MAP. BECAUSE IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE A MAP. IT'S SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE A DESERT TOWN. BUT THEN THERE ARE THESE COLORED BLOCKS. AND FLOATING CRATES. THAT TELL US THIS ISN'T A DESERT TOWN EITHER. ERGO. IT'S BULLSHIT.

THEN. WE HAVE AN ACTUAL GAME WITH AN ACTUAL NARRATIVE. ABOUT SOME WHISPER THING. BUT APPARENTLY CODA IS UNABLE TO MAKE GAMES PROPERLY. SO YOU GET A GUN. BUT NOTHING TO SHOOT AT. AND THE BOTTOM OF THE UNIVERSE. AND AT ONE POINT. WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DIE BECAUSE OF YOUR UTTER FAILURE. YOU BEGIN FLOATING UPWARDS. AND BEFORE DAVEY REEKING PILE OF SHIT TELLS ME ONE MORE WORD. NO. IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

THEN THERE'S A GAME. WHERE YOU CAN ONLY WALK BACKWARDS. AND THERE ARE THESE MESSAGES. WHICH ARE BACKWARDS. MAKING MY VERDICT FOR THIS WHOLE GAME. BACKWARDS. NEXT.

THEN THERE'S A GAME. WHICH IS JUST YOU. A PATH SOMEWHERE. AND A SIGN SAYING. "YOU ARE NOW ENTERING." SERIOUSLY. I WISH I WAS MAKING THIS UP. AND I ALSO WISH. THAT CREATIVITY THE ANDERSEN DIDN'T HAVE ISSUES WITH ME SAYING "I WISH I WAS MAKING THIS UP."

THEN THERE'S A GAME. WHICH IS BORING LIFELESS SKYSCRAPERS. AND A LADDER WHICH DELIBERATELY SLOWS YOU DOWN. BUT LUCKILY. DAVEY SPEEDS YOU UP AGAIN. SO THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO USE YOUR LORD OF TIME POWERS. AND YOU ENTER. A ROOM FULL OF GAME IDEAS. THAT ARE ALL AS BULLSHIT AS THIS COLLECTION.

THEN THERE'S A GAME. WHICH IS BASICALLY GOING DOWN A CORRIDOR. SOLVING THIS STRANGE PUZZLE. WHICH REQUIRES YOU TO LOCK YOURSELF IN. AND STOPPING. BUT THEN IT TURNS OUT. THERE ARE INFINITE CORRIDORS YOU DID NOT WALK DOWN. LIKE BIOSHOCK, I GUESS. BUT I CAN'T JUDGE. I MUST MOVE ON.

THEN THERE'S THE ENTERING GAME. EXCEPT WITH "ENTERING" REPLACED WITH "EXITING". ALSO, DAVE, DID I ASK FOR ANY OF YOUR DUMB EXPLANATIONS UNDER YOUR AVIATOR SHADES?

THEN THERE'S A GAME. WHICH IS ABOUT A RESTAURANT IN AN EMPTY WHITE VOID. WHICH YOU ENTER. AND DESCEND. INTO A FUNKY IMPOSSIBLE BLOCK SCAPE. WHICH YOU AGAIN DESCEND. TO THIS WEIRD SPIRAL. AND WHAT LOOKS LIKE A PRISON ENVIRONMENT. WHICH TRAPS YOU IN. FOR AT LEAST ONE HOUR. OR LESS, SINCE DAVE DECIDES TO BE A KNIGHT OF TIME. AND THEN. YOU DESCEND FURTHER. DOWN THIS SPIRAL. DOWN SOME IRRELEVANT SCENERY. THROUGH THE "LOCK YOURSELF OUT" PUZZLE AGAIN. AND TO ROOMS. WHERE THERE ARE THESE PEOPLE WITH SQUARE HEADS. WHO SOMEHOW ARE STILL ABLE TO "SPEAK." AND "LISTEN."

YOU TALK TO THEM SOME. ABOUT THE ABOVE WORLD. AND ARE FINALLY LEAD TO A GARDEN. WITH A LAMPPOST. THIS LAMPPOST IS IMPORTANT. AS DAVE (THAT'S RIGHT. DAVE. NOT CODER.) ADDS THEM. TO ADD MEANING. JUST AS MY STORIES ARE GUARANTEED TO HAVE "CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS." AND "BITCHES AND ASSHOLES."

SO, THAT IS THE END OF THAT GAME.

THEN THERE IS A GAME. WHICH IS APPARENTLY CONNECTED TO THE INTERNET. AND ON WHICH OTHER PEOPLE HAVE BEEN LEAVING MESSAGES. (IT IS NOT. AND IT'S ALL CODER.) AND THE MESSAGES ARE SUPPOSED TO GIVE SOME SORT OF INSIGHT? I DON'T GET IT. AND THEN THERE'S THE PUZZLE. AND THEN AT THE VERY END OF THAT GAME. THERE IS THE LAMPPOST AGAIN. AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF TYPEWRITERS. AND A THING ASKING YOU TO SPEAK. BLAMING YOU FOR NOT LEAVING NOTES. (WHICH YOU CAN'T.)

THEN THERE IS A WHOLE BUNCH OF GAMES. CALLED "PRISON GAMES." WHICH TRAP YOU AND DON'T ALLOW YOU TO ESCAPE. SERIOUSLY. LET'S BEGIN.

SO YOU HAVE A PRISON WITH ALL THIS MODERN FURNITURE. AND A VIEW TO THE OUTSIDE. WHERE THERE IS A WELL. AND A DOOR. WHICH SURPRISINGLY IS UNLOCKED. AND WHICH LEADS YOU. TO THE BOTTOM OF THE WELL. WHICH SOUNDS PRETTY USELESS. AND *IS* PRETTY USELESS.

THEN THERE IS THE VARIANT. IN WHICH YOU'RE ASKED TO MAKE YOUR OWN FURNITURE. BUT YOU ARE NOT LISTENED TO. AND INSTEAD. THE GAME MAKES ITS OWN PRISON. AND THEN REVEALS. A WHOLE BUNCH MORE FURNITURE. MAKING YOUR PRISON MUCH BIGGER. BUT STILL NOT ALLOWING YOU TO ESCAPE.

THEN THERE IS THE VARIANT. IN WHICH YOU'RE TAUGHT HOW TO ESCAPE *A* PRISON. (A. THE DISTINCTION WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER.) AND THEN YOU ARE BROUGHT TO *THE* PRISON. AND UNFORTUNATELY. THE STRUCTURE FOR *THE* PRISON IS FUNDAMENTALLY DISTINCT FROM THAT FOR *A* PRISON. AND YOU CAN'T ESCAPE.

THEN THERE ARE A WHOLE BUNCH MORE VERSIONS. WHICH DAVE JUST SKIPS US THROUGH. LIKE ONE. WHERE IT'S ALL UPSIDE DOWN. AND ONE. WHERE IT'S INSIDE OUT. (CREATIVITY THE ANDERSEN LAUGHED. I AM SO GOING TO KILL HER. JUST BEFORE I DIE. JUST IN CASE.)

AND FINALLY. THERE IS A VERSION. WITHOUT THE PRISON. AND SO. AS THERE IS NOTHING TO ESCAPE. YOU STILL CAN'T ESCAPE. BUT YOU CAN TALK TO YOURSELF. WHICH REVEALS ONCE AGAIN. THAT THIS GAME IS BASICALLY ALL ABOUT CODER TALKING TO HIMSELF. AS THEY'RE NOT PUBLISHED. THEY'RE THROWN ONTO THE HARD DRIVE TO ROT FOREVER. NOT MEANT TO BE PLAYED BY ANYONE. I LIKE CODER. HE IS SO ALTRUISTIC. HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE BLAMED FOR HIS WORK. SO HE IS NOT-

WAIT A MINUTE. IF CODER'S WORK IS NOT PUBLISHED. THEN HOW AM I PLAYING IT.

WHATEVER. LET'S GO ON.

THEN THERE IS A GAME. WHICH IS YOU GOING UP A HILL. BUT YOU CAN'T ENTER THE STUFF AT THE VERY TOP. SO YOU ENTER THE BUILDING IN BETWEEN. AND YOU ARE ASKED FOR. WAIT A MINUTE.

CLEAN A HOUSE.

SERIOUSLY. OF THE INFINITE POSSIBILITIES THAT A VIDEO GAME COULD POSSIBLY OFFER. CODER CHOOSES. THAT THE THING YOU SHOULD REALLY BE DOING RIGHT NOW. IS CLEAN. A FUCKING. HOUSE.

SOMETIMES CODER AMAZES ME WITH HIS STUPIDITY.

SO. YOU CLEAN A HOUSE FOR SOME TIME. (AND "SOME TIME" WAS ORIGINALLY INTENDED TO BE FOREVER.) AND THEN YOU CAN FINALLY GO UP THE DOOR ON THE TOP. SOLVE THE PUZZLE. AND FIND THE LAMPPOST. USUAL SIGNATURE SHIT.

THEN THERE IS A GAME. IN WHICH A TEACHER TALKS TO YOU. ABOUT HOW TO BE PERFECT. AND YOU ARE VARIOUS PEOPLE. LISTENING TO IT. UNTIL ONE POINT. YOU SUDDENLY ARE A TEACHER. AND IT IS REVEALED TO YOU. THAT THE TEACHER IS ACTUALLY AN ABSOLUTE PIECE OF SHIT. WHICH IS A METAPHOR TO TELL YOU. THAT *YOU* ARE ACTUALLY AN ABSOLUTE PIECE OF SHIT. YES. YOU KNEW THAT ALREADY. IF YOU FOLLOWED ME. LET'S MOVE ON.

THEN THERE IS A GAME. WHERE YOU ARE ON A STAGE. TRYING TO TALK TO SOME WOMAN. ENACTING THIS OTHER GUY'S LIFE. BUT THEN. THE OTHER GUY TELLS YOU THAT YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. AND YOUR ONLY SOLUTION. IS TO LOCK YOURSELF AWAY FROM THE THEATER. DISTANCING YOURSELF FROM EVERYONE. WHICH IS A MESSAGE THAT I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE WITH. IGNORE EVERYTHING BUT YOURSELF. LISTEN TO YOURSELF ONLY. AND THAT WAY. YOU WILL BE ABSOLUTELY GREAT. BECAUSE YOU WILL BE WITH YOURSELF FOR SO LONG. THAT YOU WILL PERUSE EVERYTHING. DID YOU REALLY THINK THAT EACH OF THESE STORIES TAKES MONTHS TO WRITE? WRONG. IT TAKES. LITERALLY FOREVER. SPED UP WITH TIME POWERS, OF COURSE. BUT STILL. NO LESS THAN INFINITY GRAHAM'S NUMBERS OF YEARS.

THEN THERE IS A GAME. FOR WHICH YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO CLOSE YOUR EYES. BUT LUCKILY. DAVE TELLS YOU. THAT IS A COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY STUPID IDEA. AND THUS YOU OPEN YOUR EYES. TO A MAYHEM ABOUT A THING THAT IS APPROACHING YOU. AND YOU HAVE TO SPEAK TO A CHARACTER WHO IS DOING THE ACTION OF "TRUTH." AND TELL HIM THE TRUTH. AND THAT STOPS THE GIANT THING FROM DESTROYING YOUR SHIP. WHICH IS ONCE AGAIN CALLED "WHISPER."

THEN THERE IS A GAME. WHERE YOU WALK THIS EMPTY PLACE. WITH ISLAND TREES. AND YOU ARE TALKED TO. BY WHO IS APPARENTLY CODER. TALKING TO HIMSELF. MENTIONING HOW HE IS COMPLETELY OUT OF IDEAS FOR GAMES. SO YOU ARE LED THROUGH THE PUZZLE. TO A MACHINE. THAT IS WALLS OF WORDS. WHICH YOU DESTROY. BUT THIS TIME, INSTEAD OF SAYING THE TRUTH. YOU SAY LIES. ABOUT HOW MAKING GAMES IS EASY. WHICH IS WRONG. BUT IT GETS TO DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. WHICH IS SEE THE PRISON FROM THE OUTSIDE. AND SEE A BITCH CRYING. CAN'T TELL WHO THE BITCH IS SUPPOSED TO BE. DON'T CARE.

THEN THERE IS A GAME. IN WHICH YOU HAVE CAPTURED CODER. TO MAKE HIM PAY FOR HIS MISTAKES. THE MEDIA APPROACHES YOU. YOU TELL THEM SHIT. THEY DO SHIT. YOU APPROACH CODER. YOU TELL HIM SHIT. HE DOESN'T DO SHIT. THEN YOU DECIDE THAT CODER IS NOT THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE TAKING THE RESPONSIBILITY. AND INSTEAD YOU DESTROY. EVERY SINGLE GAME THAT HE HAS MADE, EVER. THE TYPEWRITERS. THE STAGE. THE LAMPPOSTS. EVERYTHING. AND FINALLY. CODER HIMSELF.

AT THIS POINT. DAVE DECIDED THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH CODER. SHOWED HIM THE GAMES. AND LOST CODER'S TRUST EVEN MORE. LEADING US TO THE FINAL GAME.

THIS GAME IS CALLED "THE TOWER." IN WHICH DAVE HAS ANGERED CODER SO MUCH. THAT HE MADE AN UNPLAYABLE GAME. WITH AN INVISIBLE MAZE. WHOSE WALLS MAKE YOU SCREECH IN HORROR AND GO BACK. AND A CODE. WHICH YOU HAVE TO GUESS. AND A PUZZLE. WHICH YOU CAN'T ACTUALLY SOLVE. SO DAVE SOLVES IT FOR YOU.

AND FINALLY. WE HAVE A MESSAGE FROM CODER TO DAVE. IT ROUGHLY TRANSLATES AS:

"GO FUCK YOURSELF, DAVE. THESE ARE MY GAMES. NOT YOURS. AND I AM ME. NOT YOU. SO YOU CAN'T PUBLISH MY GAMES. AND YOU CAN'T DISSECT ME. GO MAKE YOUR OWN GAMES AND DISSECT YOURSELF. PEACE OUT. AND ONCE AGAIN, GO FUCK YOURSELF."

OKAY, WELL, THEN MY QUESTION IS. WHAT THE FUCK AM I PLAYING. A PUBLISHED VERSION OF CODER'S GAMES. I.E. DAVE DID NOT RESPECT CODER. AND MUST BE KILLED.

AND THEN THERE ARE SOME OF DAVE'S LAMENTS. AS HE FACES HIS IMMINENT DEATH. AT THE HANDS OF THE GOD OF STORYTELLING. WHO IS ME. THUS BRINGING US TO.

THE END.

HERE'S THE DEAL. IF I AM NOT DEAD. ON APRIL THE FOURTEENTH, TWO THOUSAND ZERO HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN, I WILL POST HERE. AND THAT MEANS MORE OF THIS. BUT IF NOT. THEN IT IS ONE. TRUE. FINAL.

FAREWELL. BITCHES AND ASSHOLES.

I AM GOING TO MISS YOUR MISERY.

tumut


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